I can vividly remember one night. I was in my second year of my healthy living journey that I knew in my heart I was failing at ... I was 292lbs, and I'd just had a bad chip / chocolate / pizza binge. I was terrified to go to bed that night because I was so scared that would be the night that I died in my sleep. I felt painfully sick to my stomach. Disgusted with myself. My heart was pounding in my chest.
I stayed up late to put off sleep. I felt my stomach was going to rupture and kill me. Or I'd vomit and choke in my sleep. I was so terrified.
Sadly, it wasn't the first time I'd felt that way. I have many different journal entries detailing how scared I felt after a bad binge and how much I needed to change. I'd beg myself to change. That this was going to be the last time.
Well that one night I started to tell you about? That WAS the last time. I was crying (like great big ugly crying) because I wanted so badly to change so that I could be ALIVE for my kids. I didn't want to ever see myself diagnosed with type 2 diabetes or heart disease (both illnesses run in my family). I didn't want to die in my sleep like my good friend did when she was only 24.
I got serious about my goals and my life. I knew I wanted to be fit and healthy and in control of my eating. I focused on eating right and exercising.
It wasn't easy. Nobody ever said it would be. And I slowly but surely lost the weight. I gained control over my life.
When we're overweight, it's so easy to feel that if we JUST lost the weight, everything would be okay.
You know what I've learned, now that I'm within 10lbs of my goal weight?
Everything doesn't magically get better when you lose the weight. Those food demons that plagued me when I was 300 lbs are still living in this 170-lb body.
That's proof. I bought these foods last week during a moment of weakness. I won my fight against them, and that's why they're uneaten and unopened.
Some days, it's easy to fight the food demons. I can reflect on how far I've come. How good I feel now. How much energy I have. How happy I am. How I'm present for my kids. How terrible that food will make me feel.
Other days, it's damn hard. And so easy to give in. And I do slip up and give in. Some days, I recognize that it is a treat that is perfectly okay. But there are those times that it can go beyond a treat and into a binge ... those are the times I need to dig deep to pull myself out and fight the demons.
I may always be fighting those food demons. I recognize that. And I'm proud to say that the majority of the time, I'm able to pull myself through with a proud smile!
Thanks for letting me open up and share my struggles with you! I often find weight loss to be so glamorized online - everyone is eager to show their highlight reel (and they should be!) but we should also share our struggles because that's where we learn the most.
If you've ever felt this way and need a friend to support you on your journey, then please reach out to me!
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